Pain
by MiyuTanemura
Summary: "Pain. A state that is inherent to every human being. As certain as the act of breathing. Ever since you were born you felt it. With varying degrees, varying stages, different types. But you felt it." Natsu/Gray, Character Study


Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

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Pain

Pain.

A state that is inherent to every human being. As certain as the act of breathing.

Ever since you were born you felt it. With varying degrees, varying stages, different types.

But you felt it.

You can still remember that one time. While running down the street, you tripped and fell. Your whole leg was hurting and you held your tears as your mother came and soothed you.

The first pain passed, leaving something behind for you to remember – a scab. It was something different, a thick patch of skin rising slightly out of place. Such a foreign thing had to be explored.

The first time you peeled it, it felt painful but good at the same time. You didn't pay that any mind, but kept on and after a while it disappeared and left a slightly discoloured mark behind.

Not long after, Deliora came and a whole different kind of pain appeared.

Pain.

The loss of your parents.

It was awful.

It was unthinkable.

It wasn't possible!

Your whole world crashed down around you in a confusion of flames, crumbling stone and anguish and pained voices.

Pain.

Not only at the injuries you were feeling in your body but also at this strange void that was growing inside you. You had never felt such a thing but here you know that there wouldn't be any scab to peel off.

You became numb.

That is one of the outcomes of pain, did you know?

And the darkness that ensued.

But there was a light. You found someone – or, they found you – and were pulled from that place you were in.

You got a new life. With it there was still pain but, you had people, you had a goal and you would go to the end of it. Despite…

Pain.

The task you set for yourself isn't an easy one. It requires a mastery of both your body and mind.

Neither is easy.

The ice and the snow are too cold.

Your body feels numb, after such a long time amidst such a cold weather. That bothers you.

But you see Lyon. He's progressing so much.

That's what you need to do, progress. Show him. Show Ur.

Bury the memories that come to you, late at night. Filling you with a cold that is way more unbearable than anything you might face during the day. Bury the pain that comes with them.

As time passes, it eases a little but you never forget your goal.

One day you find it. The way – the _forbidden_ way – to reach your goal. And you hear about _it_.

So you go.

And everything goes wrong!

It's almost as if you came back in time, your heart breaking anew – but with a different person.

Pain.

It courses freely through you, filling you to your deeper recesses.

It consumes you and you can't do anything else but stare. Your eyes wide and unseeing as you kneel on the ground.

You froze.

Lyon takes you out of it. His punch and harsh words were the same as peeling that scab so long ago. Brought you pain and something else. In this case it was focus.

You react. And that was something.

Your world crashed down once again.

It leaves a void, leaves a darkness. But this time you can move. There is something you can do and you have a plan. It might take a while but you will do what your Master told you to.

You enter a Guild.

Yet another new life. This one is so different from all you've known so far. But you get used to it easily. However, every now and then you feel that there's something lacking. Something you got used to, at this point.

One day you realize what it is.

Pain.

It has been such a noticeable constant for such a long time that you feel like it's missing.

Until the day you meet a certain fire mage. You two react instantly, as certain as the opposing natures of your powers.

You fight with him. It is a good way to release the pent up energy you had accumulated and, doesn't it feel good to feel your fist connecting to his jaw, one small spike running through your arm, as his fist punches you on your chest _hard_.

It hurts so good.

You just can't believe it but you've found your way.

Things don't seem so bad anymore.

Your life at the Guild gets certain patterns. You do your tasks and missions and everything that has to be done and there's at least one time in which you fight with Natsu.

The fire mage gets under your skin in a way that nobody else has before. You're rivals. The rivalry has settled ever since the beginning but after a while, begrudgingly, respect and the seeds of friendship begin to underline that rivalry.

But you fight, always fight, and you continue to feel it.

Pain.

Now it feels good.

How can you take pleasure out of it?

Every now and then you stop to question yourself. Should something so bad be something that you like?

Isn't it wrong?

Aren't _you_ wrong?

(For the most of your days the only pain that you get is from Natsu but it isn't uncommon for you to get injured during a mission. That's the old pain that you know and so, okay, you are strange…)

One day you understand what it is. But that discovery doesn't come without a new batch of pain. It is slight and surprising but there.

So, it seems that you have been falling for a certain hot-headed (the name-calling isn't serious, just the thing you both do) fire mage without noticing.

Isn't that ironic?

You've made yourself at home and built a new life and started to know a bit more about yourself.

Except that things between Natsu and Lisanna seem to have hit off. An echo of something you felt long ago goes through you.

You don't think. Just act. And are careless.

Which takes you back to the loving arms of your old friend.

Pain.

It doesn't matter the state you get back. This kind of thing happens to everyone. They want to use magic to heal you but you don't want that. No, this time it's going to heal naturally and you're going to savour the pain. See the result of your actions and their outcome, the large scab on your arm and what it reminds you of.

At some point you can't help but get to it, your nail scratching at the edge, lifting that piece of skin as the nerve endings are firing up your arm. The bright red trail of something you did yourself is mesmerizing so you pause to watch it. And then you go back to your previous occupation. There is one side that is harder – trickier – but when you do finish peeling it off you feel strangely content.

That for only a few moments. After, you let out a sigh and hurry to clean and dress the wound up back again.

That is when you decide to part yourself from your current life, become a bit colder, more subdued. Oh, you keep having your little spars with Natsu but you can't help the slight viciousness that has entered them. You do it that way and he answers in kind.

Why did you have to become addicted to this?

You do realize that Lyon's words of you being weak and pathetic are true.

No, you can't listen to them. They're from another time, another life, something that's no longer yours.

But they're true.

And that thought doesn't leave you.

Then there's the day when the news come.

Natsu enters a state of shock and you, stupid, can't help but hurt for him, even if just a tiny bit. But that's it, it's what you see.

Pain.

It happens to everybody else yet you've mostly noticed yours. Sure, you do remember how you formed your bond with Erza and so many others but this seems to be different.

It is different. Why?

The answer comes to your mind instantly, Natsu.

He's the reason.

Still, weren't you getting over him? Or, weren't already over him?

Well… okay, that's a lie that you can't deny to yourself… even if you have to try. There's only so much a person can take.

You do say something, albeit neutral. You don't want to be a hypocrite. Or, more of one.

#

Time passes and you learn not to find solace in your little fights with Natsu. You've grown and became a proficient mage and someone reliable – even if only on entertaining the others with yours and the fire age's antics.

One day, Natsu brings a new mage to the Guild.

They seem to be too… you can't really define what it is at the moment, you only know that you don't overly like it.

And then they get an interesting mission.

Oh, you _can_ feel that things are changing and now this change means excitement.

Much to Natsu's chagrin you tag along.

You get to the island and the mystery makes you all curious.

Then you end up in that cave and seeing Deliora…

It is a huge shock.

You freeze with the immense pain that overwhelms you. Something inside breaks. And it's as if you were back _then_ and Ur…

Pain.

That same pain is raking its infected claws over wounds that should be closed.

What can you do?

And then you know who it is… Lyon…

The mission is long and painful to you – and you never thought you would listen to that roar in anywhere but your dreams ever again, yet here you are.

There isn't much you can do now.

There is only one choice, the choice that was taken from you years ago. But now you have to do it. For their sake.

And you invoke that spell, feel the winds beginning to rip your skin, greedy cold fingers trying to plunge deeper into your being – and you let them. Embrace the pain. This pain that you deserve, after so long.

The pain that _she_ felt by your fault.

And then Natsu steps in front of you. It feels as if all the air has gone from the cane, you can't breathe.

You yell at him. Command him to go away.

Alas, he's stubborn. He won't budge.

And then he turns slightly at you, says those words to you…

_"I tried to stop you because I don't want you to die. But apparently you didn't hear me."_

You falter.

Any focus that you might've had is gone.

Because, did you hear the hidden words? Could it be that he meant it?

Most likely he doesn't but this time you're going to talk to him.

It is with astonishment that you see Deliora crumble and fall – something that has happened to your life so many times because of it – before your very own eyes.

And then Natsu turns and smiles. Saying how awesome Ur was.

One tear falls down your cheek, unnoticed.

Yes, yes she was. And she wanted you to do something that you hadn't yet understood. Because you were too caught up in the pain.

But now… now it is over and you can finally let it go. That burden that you've always carried is slipping away through your fingers, like sand.

You do know that there will always be pain but you've learned to balance it and continue.

Now it's time for you to keep going and when you do meet it again, you don't get too tangled in it.

Natsu gets close to you, still grinning and gives you a small punch in your arm. He keeps going as you still stand there, rubbing your arm and smiling.

You realize that there is some pain that's not that bad.

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**A/N:** This was just something that came to mind, one night.

It's also in a different style so I'm not all that confident. But my dearest beta said that it was good and so I trusted her.

Hope you liked it.

Beta-ed by my dear Subkulture (thanks, hon!)

Feedback is appreciated. ^^


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